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Bridge Pose

(So, I was going to post just a short, cryptic entry and then flesh it out later, but then I thought, Fuck it, I'm not sleeping anyway. So here's the whole thing. It is late, I've not had a lot of sleep, I am feeling things I am unused to feeling. in other words, fair warning, this post is somewhat rambling and melodramatic. But we've met, right?)

OK, this all started when I realized I was shopping WAY. TOO. MUCH.  I mean, I know I shop a lot, especially for makeup and crap, but this was beyond excessive.  And because I'm fundamentally incapable of not examining every single aspect of my life, I needed to figure out why.  It took me 2.5 seconds to concluded that I was booooored.  Because really, the two basic reasons people shop compulsively are boredom or to cope with emotional distress.  And I'm pretty happy with life right now, so I wasn't really distressed.

So.  Not bored with work.  Not bored with Skyrim.  Not bored with shows, or friends, or reading.

I was bored with ME.  And the reason I was bored with me is because I wasn't just not emotionally distressed, I wasn't emotionally ANYTHING.  I've pretty much kept a tight lock on my emotions for at least the past year.  I've let myself feel bitter and betrayed and pretty much nothing else, and I turned it into a place of safety, and a reason to not really trust anyone.  But I'm not good at stasis, I'm not good at safety, I'm not good at not challenging myself.

I am, on the other hand, pretty good at emotional alchemy- In other words, I can just decide, "I'm going to start feeling things again," and it's like flipping a switch, or untying a knot.  And the reason I'm writing this post, apart from the usual narcissism, is that letting myself feel things again after so long feels weird. I'm not even feeling anything in particular right now, it's just the ability to feel itself, rushing back like blood into a disused limb.  It also feels, strangely, like holding a yoga pose- that balance of tension and openness, vulnerability.

The vulnerability is the part that gives me pause, of course.  I've lost two major friendships in the past few years, with people I trusted implicitly, and that always breaks open old scars that take a long time to heal again.  Neither situation was as simple as I made it out to be at the time, and the complete burning of the respective bridges was an unfortunate side effect of this very ability to just shut down all my feelings and behave like a cold-hearted arse.

I'd like to be strong enough in the future to just hold that emotional pose. To not do that to anyone in my life again.  To absorb the hurt, breathe through it, and come back with love and compassion and communication.  We'll see if I've got that in me; I wasn't raised to trust, and I haven't had a lot of experiences to counteract that.  But how much of that was because I didn't let myself have those experiences?  I didn't give myself (and others) the chance to see if mistakes could be corrected, relationships repaired?  And right now, I look at the people I do still have in my life and I know they are too precious to throw away without doing everything in my power to hold onto them.  I've never had more inspiring, lovely, trustworthy, and completely mad and ridiculous people in my life and I would be lost without that.

So yes, opening up means I'm going to have to do a certain amount of mourning, and maybe even some olive-branch offering.  And I may not be able to change the past, but I can keep myself from ruining the potential for my future.


( 3 therapy notes — Commit yourself )
Sep. 26th, 2013 01:57 am (UTC)

I couldn't imagine. Or all I can imagine is floodgates and lots and lots of kleenex. But, I guess you let in more emotions than just the traumatic and painful. Still, I think I'd be a blubbering mess.

Sep. 26th, 2013 02:15 am (UTC)
It sort of balances out, really? And it helps that I don't have any current trauma in my life to worry about. Interestingly, I'm finding that the hardest part is that I don't have any friends left to talk to about emotional things, because they're used to me being unemotional. (As evidenced by the lack of comments on this post.) On the other hand, I've been doing a lot more off-line journalling, which is nice, and channelling my feelings into writing Touched and fanfic.
Sep. 26th, 2013 02:52 am (UTC)
Yeah, I'm really pretty lousy with the talking of emotional stuff--which is why I usually just throw a "♥" up (like I was going to do here) and move on. But it's nice to be invested in others and their well being.

But off-line stuff is good too! ♥♥
( 3 therapy notes — Commit yourself )

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