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I am completely incapable of handling days off. Without the structure of pages needing to be edited or betas done, I fall apart.  To be fair, I only have about 4 days completely off of work per month, so it doesn't come up that often.  But for example, today- I certainly had things to do.  My web page needed an update, I had bring my checking account up to date, and I had a fanfic that desperately needed finishing.  But I had an anxiety attack out of nowhere about an hour ago and had to take a Klonopin, which effectively puts me out of commission for the rest of the day.  I'm clinging like a lifeline to the fact that I have two new contracts starting tomorrow.

I want to analyse this more deeply, but writing now I can't even type very well, so I'm just kind of rambling, sorry.  It's like, when I have work, everything else is fine too.  I'm happily social, I get writing done, even some cleaning, I can cook dinner.  But when I don't have work to do in between everything seems just too big to handle. Also, it gives me too much time to think about things I don't want to thinking about, thiings that I can't change and are best left in the corners of my mind so I don't feel like I'm suffocating under the weight of my ridiculously stupid decisions.  I just want lines on page, grammar, spelling, story structure, the lives of fictional characters to work with and put in order.  Real life is too messy. Too many people to avoid hurting, too many pep talks and carefully constructed person suits and know that I can't wear them forever and longer I do the more spectacularly things will blow up.

And there's the Klonopin taking effect so I'll just pass out now k tnx bye, sorry so much for this word vomit.


( 7 therapy notes — Commit yourself )
Jan. 13th, 2014 05:39 am (UTC)

Real people are hard! Fictional ones are so much better!
Jan. 13th, 2014 05:42 am (UTC)
Right? I feel better now, I finally finished the fic I was blocked on. It was extra annoying because I just got an ask this morning from an author I really admire wanting to co-author a fic with me! So I was excited, and then suddenly ANXIETY.

But fictional people are always so much easier to handle than real ones. Books are my people!
Jan. 14th, 2014 03:08 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry about the anxiety attack. I know from first hand experience just how much those suck. What I hate more than anything when I'm having one is for someone who already knows I have an anxiety disorder suggests that I "just take a deep breath and calm down" because it always works for them. It makes me want to scream at them. If I COULD "just calm down" it wouldn't be an anxiety DISORDER it would just be anxiety! Hopefully things go more smoothly from here for a while. If it isn't too personal may I ask what dose of Klonopin or are taking? I have been taking the stuff for years so my tolerance is quite high but I can still use it for panic attacks if I take a larger dose than my maintenance dose.

Edited at 2014-01-14 03:08 pm (UTC)
Jan. 14th, 2014 03:11 pm (UTC)
I've been taken off my maintenance dose of Klonopin, so this is just for anxiety attacks now. It's...*gets up to check*...0.5 mg.

But I've got work again, so I'm much better now! LOL
Jan. 14th, 2014 03:46 pm (UTC)
Wow. My maintenance dose would probabaly cause most people to drop in to a minor coma. I'm taking 4 times that (1mg 2x per day) a day as my maintenance dose. If I took .5mg I doubt I would even notice at this point. I have another friend of mine who was on 1mg a day maintenance and she's been tapering off of it with custom compounded doses in tiny fractional step downs over months and from what I have read on her journal its been a living hell. Apparently benzodiazepine withdrawal is absolutely nightmarish and the larger the dose and the longer you've been on it the worse it is. At the dose I'm at and as long as I've been on it, it might take me years of being constantly on the edge of a panic attack to discontinue it. In fact the anxiety associated with the withdrawal might actually never go away in my case at this point.

I didn't find out about this fact until I changed doctors some years back and was informed by my current doctor. We decided that was a battle I probabaly shouldn't try to fight until other more urgent issues had been dealt with first. It's kind of like noticing you have a problem with termites in your house about the time you realize the house is on fire. Fixing the termite issue is important and needs to be done but if you don't put out the fire first it won't matter. Right now the benzodiazepines are my termites but currently I'm too busy frantically trying to keep my house from burning to the ground to worry about that issue for the time being.

Jan. 15th, 2014 02:07 pm (UTC)
I didn't offend or otherwise cause you to be upset with my last response in this post did I? If I did it was honestly not my intention.
Jan. 15th, 2014 02:09 pm (UTC)
No, not at all! I've just had the kids home sick here so I haven't hand time to respond to things. :)

And yeah, I've heard the same about benzodiazapine withdrawal; that's why I wanted to get back off of it as soon as I could.
( 7 therapy notes — Commit yourself )

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